While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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