I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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