Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
