My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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