Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
