I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
