ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize