I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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