you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
