The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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