I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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