I accidentally had phone sex last night
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
