I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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