I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
