Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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