Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
