if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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