If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
this just has baby written all over it
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize