I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
