So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
