hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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