Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
