you guys were way drunker than both of me
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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