I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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