I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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