I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
