I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Randomize
