Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Randomize
