you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
