she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
