are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
