What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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