I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
