your parents love me but you hate me
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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