i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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