i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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