Kiss
Puke
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
