I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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