you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's shark week go big or go home
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
