i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I party with great urgency now.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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