Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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