News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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