sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
should my penis look like a turkey
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
