I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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