in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
