If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
