I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
