My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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