If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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