I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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