Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
