I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize