Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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