Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
