i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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