so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
