You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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