you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Randomize