Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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