My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
How does one acquire holy water?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
