Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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