Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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